14.February.2010

Last night I had a dream about a place that meant a lot to me. I had so many memories of being there alone and working things out. Of introducing my friends to it. I remember two or three times where I thought I forgot how to get there but ended up stumbling across it anyway. I specifically remember one of the nights I walked home alone after contemplating a problem I'd been having. When I woke up I tried to remember how to get there but for the life of me could not remember where it was. Not even what country it was in thinking maybe it was a place I had visited. It wasn't until after breakfast that I finally realized that I had never been to this place nor had I ever dreamed about it. That the memories I had were just some sort of dream deja vu. Anyway, there's been a sort of sadness about today.

It reminds me of a recurring dream I used to have as a child. I fell in love in my sleep when I was maybe about seven or eight. I can't remember exactly. There was a girl I met in a field. This may sound vague but when we were kids we spent a good deal of our time in fields. I don't exactly remember how we spent out time together but we both knew that it'd be a great deal of time before either of us saw the other. She gave me something. Something to remember her by and something that would help me find her. That morning, when my mother woke me up for school, the first thought through my head was to look in my clenched fist. Needless to say there was nothing there. I spent some time that morning in a panicked, desperate, sad state tearing through my sheets trying to find it.

I would have these dreams every year or so. Twice in a good year. And every year we were both a little older. Every time was brand new. I remember how my heart would sink in the morning as I'd slowly realize that I'd only been in my bed the whole night. I remember how hard it was to get up. How hard I would try to go back to sleep. How badly I wanted to trade this world for that. The days between dreams grew in numbers. It's been since I was in my mid teens since I've had one.