Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I'm done with it.  I'm through giving a damn....about everything.  
I feel like the past year and a half, possibly two years, has been wrought with guilt, worry, concern, and stress.  I was always worried about something.  Find a job, an apartment, roommates, be fit, be active, get enough sleep, don't drink too much, don't spend too many evenings alone.  Work comes first.  No, life comes first.  Girlfriend.  Family.  Friends.  Be social  Meet new people.  Reconnect with long lost friends.  To be honest, I'm done with it.  I'm exhausted.   I need about three months of deep, dark sleep, constant sleep, hard dreamless sleep.  Then I'll just wake up fresh and say to hell with it. 
I used to not give a damn.  It wasn't that long ago.  I didn't care what strangers thought, not the girls and definitely not the boys.  I was having a blast and I didn't care how it looked.  What I was doing felt good and who I was doing it with felt even better.  I've spent the last year and a half to two years trying to get my life in order.  To make something of myself.  Secure my place.  I now realize that I'm not all that thrilled about where I've settled or who I've become while powering through and establishing this place, this spot, this perch. 
Now that I'm here I'm starting to see the things I left in my wake.  I'm starting to see the parts of me I left behind.  I'm going to do my best to regain those parts.  To back track.  To become what I once was.  To do the things I want to do.  To strive where I want to strive and work on the things I want to work on.  I'm sick of living with my neck strained trying to look forward or to look back.  I'm going to stop a while, rest my neck and look around at the options just sitting idle.  Gather myself up and do what ever the hell it is I feel like and I'm not going to give a damn. 
Today was a good day. 

7 comments:

shasta daisy said...

WOW....you're a smart man!!!


BTW...there are two tarantula hikes coming up om Mt. D. I posted it on Claycord.

And...

Every time I put something in our recycle bin...I think of "Cradle to Cradle"...you suggested that I read it...and I did.

sfbbeeck said...

Well written James. But guess what? That feeling doesn't stop. That is life. That is growing. That is maturing. Just stay true to who you are, what you want and then you won't struggle (as much)
xoxo

sfbbeeck said...

I wanted to add that you are fabulous and I'm thankful that I have met you through Steve. You're my#1 outdoor/ nature source!! :)

Sakkis said...

That's not growing up. I refuse to believe that.

Deme said...

Go James go! It was so good going to Capitola with you the other day. Driving in the car with my lil bro, the sun, the beach, and summertime. That's it! I love you!

sfbbeeck said...

Yeah...you're right...it's not "growing up". Aafter I wrote that...i figured it would be viewed in that way. oops. What I meant to say is that in life we;'re always struggling with "adapting" to standards in a work role, realtionships,etc. It's a constant battle of staying true to your core and not letting outside standards take over. Anyway. I'll shut up now ;)

Sakkis said...

Love you guys.