Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Today's thoughts

Morning weight: 194 lbs.

I went into training last night and ended up feeling so good after one class that I decided to stick around for a second. One of the boys that has a fight coming up approached me and told me that I looked like I had good technique and power. That was a bit of an ego boost. I have been thinking more and more about the possibility of setting up a fight. The years are slipping by and I'd love to get in there and give it a go again.

After training I went over to my friend Sterling's house to look at a table that he made. Super quality, super stylish and classy looking and the craftsmanship is really great. We talked about all the ways that you can join wood together. I love that stuff. I wish I had time to pursue it as a hobby.

I was home around 9:30 and asleep before I knew it. I had awful dreams about my best friend Becky last night. In one of the dreams we needed to transport her and so I carried her body up several flights of stairs and out onto the roof where a helicopter was waiting. We were flying though some crazy mountains, flying really close to land. As we swooped down into this valley a gust of wind caught us just before we touched ground and tilted the helicopter until the blade shattered against the ground. We landed on our right side and all the doors flew open and Becky's body fell out and was crumpled half inside and half on the ground. I was yelling at the pilot and pilots assistant for them to help me because there was a fire in the helicopter but they just looked at me and said 'why, she doesn't have any feelings.' and then ran from the wreck.

I know I had a second dream but can't recall it right now. I know that Becky's spirit was in my room and I know that I was woken up by something pushing on both of my eyelids. I shot straight up in bed. I also cried a bit in my sleep. I know because I woke myself up sobbing a couple of times.

I feel her absence more and more each day. I think that maybe I immediately went straight into thinking about the logistics of her passing. People said I was being strong, but I think I was just thinking logically about next steps and actions that needed to happen. Now that all the actions that needed to happen, the last being her bench memorial, are happening I have time to think about her, about where she is or isn't. I hate the cliche saying but it's true, not a day goes by that I don't think about her, that I don't miss her, that I don't need her.


shasta daisy said...

Haven't seen you around Claycord lately and thought I would see what you have been up to lately. Guess I looked on a bad day...sorry about your dream. I have bad dreams about my sister-in-law too...and..."not a day goes by that I don't think about her"...she was too young to die.

sheepless said...

i am the same james, ive gotten better in so many ways, and worse in others. as im sure you have. especially since she was supposed to be moving back to ny this month. ive thought about that more than anything.

nothing seems right. its just all kinda there.